On a cold, crisp Winter's evening, many moons ago, I married the wrong person.
Of course, I didn't know it was the wrong person at the time. In that moment, I was marrying my true Love. My soul mate. My best friend. If there were any red flags waving violently in my face, then I was kindly looking the other way.
A part of me didn't want to see the reasons why it was a bad idea. I wanted my feelings of love and devotion to prevail and conquer over all of my silent, inner hesitations and the naysayers that surrounded me.
On the outside, my husband seemed like a really great guy. He had a very well respected career working for the government; he was handsome and strong. He was really positive and optimistic about life. Every day he told me he loved me with a sweet kiss, and warm embrace. There were even times he cried at sappy, Hallmark commercials and I would just melt inside because I was so touched by his huge, caring heart.
(WARNING: Here comes the big 'but'.)
BUT...
Perhaps,
the first big red flag was that none of my family or friends really liked him.
These people knew me the best, truly loved me and cared for me the most, so was it possible that they could see something that I didn't??? In my mind, they just wouldn't take the time to look at all of the 'hidden'
good in this person... they couldn't see all the potential. The diamond in the rough.
My friends and family just didn't "get" him. They didn't understand all the reasons why my partner was
complicated. He came from an abusive childhood. He had bad relationships in the past. He had trust issues. He had anger issues. BUT, as I saw it, he had all valid reasons for being so.
He was just... misunderstood. And I was determined that
I was going to be the one who accepted and loved him despite it all.
Love means suffering right?
Second Red Flag: My husband had a temper.
Back in those days, I would simply chalk it up to him being a 'passionate person'. If he was mad at me it was usually my fault because of something I did that made him feel that way.
"I wouldn't be so mad if you weren't driving me crazy!", "You're the one making me like this!"
Any bad behavior on his part always had a valid reason. My ex-husband was the King of Excuses. He was always the victim of something and felt very entitled to his reclusive, yet explosive conduct.
Third Red Flag: Were there ever times he was abusive towards me?
Yes.
At the time I told myself that he was 'working through' his issues. If I had backed out of the relationship I would just be another person in his life 'abandoning' him. And
the word 'abusive' is subjective, right??? It's not like he was Ike Turner or anything... just little stuff.
He slapped me once. But it was my arm.
One time he picked up a chair and threw it. When he was angry he would typically bang objects around and throw stuff. That's not abuse.
He charged at me once to psych me out, running towards me as if he were going to pound me.
But, he didn't.
That's not abuse... right???
Forth Red Flag: I think his favorite thing to do was name call.
My husband loved calling me a
'cry baby'. I did cry a lot though... so, maybe the name was a good fit.
The more I'd cry the more angry he would get.
"
You're just doing that on purpose to make me feel guilty", is what he would say. As if I could just cry on demand.
Calling my Mother for help and support was almost a daily routine, to which my loving partner would say,
"Go cry to your Mom... maybe she'll feel sorry for you."
I was made to believe that seeking advice and love from anyone but him, was somehow a betrayal.
If I was going to cry and be 'hysterical', I was expected to do it alone.
I'll just sum up 'Red Flags #5 - 10' real quick and dirty here:
Cheater, drug addict, smoker, high-school drop out, lying gambler.
(Man.. I really know how to pick'em!)
As I write this, edit, re-read and continue to write, I find that I am overwhelmed with an overall feeling of sadness and embarrassment.
But mostly, embarrassment.
What happened??? I was always a very strong, independent and confident young woman. In my group of friends, I was known as the level headed, straight-shooter, tough as bricks, sassy girl. I was always calling bullsh*t on other people's relationships and giving advice to my girlfriends when THEY were dating total douche-bags.
I had my act together.
So,
how did I end up being the one in such an unhealthy relationship? (and eventually marriage). How could it be ME that fell victim to this kind of abuse?
The answer is...
I don't know.
My Father took off when my Mother was still pregnant with me... surely, that could be a reason... abandonment/self worth issues??? But then again, I've met lots of women who had a "Daddy-stick-around", and they still end up with a total loser.
I honestly don't know why it happened to me.
But, what I DO KNOW is that by sharing my story, maybe, I can help someone else out there.
Maybe there is a person out there reading this who can identify with my experience and perhaps... hopefully... see something I didn't see. Make better choices than I made. Or maybe just feel that they're not alone in what they're going through.
{
WARNING: ANGRY VENT APPROACHING!}
Sometimes I wish I had the Delorean from the movie 'Back to the Future' so I could go back in time (with a baseball bat) to some random, awful life moment with my prick ex-husband, and teach him a lesson.
Maybe... let's see... go back to February 29th, 2004. The night of the 76th Academy Awards (my most favorite show of the year! Especially the red carpet interviews!)
With my darling hubby no where in sight (probably at the gym in his "too tight-look at my nipples-aren't I built AF" t-shirt, or downstairs snorting cocaine in the basement). I had made an evening of the occasion! I made myself a 100 cal bag of microwave popcorn, a hot cup of cocoa (made from scratch!), had the TV set on the right channel and excitedly awaited the Red Carpet event to start.
Well... guess who shows up, out of no where, demanding to watch his, 'all of a sudden', favorite TV show 'The Simpson's'?? You guessed it... Mr. Husband of the Year!
Long story short, I tried to be fair and rationalize with his completely irrational temper, and I didn't go down with out a fight. But he made me suffer for it.
It was such a stupid argument to begin with... but man, did he ever cut me up into a thousand little pieces about it. How "selfish" I was... how "silly" I was... how "inconsiderate" of me.
He lost his temper, and I (naturally) cried my little heart out and tried to plead with him. In the end, I gave in. I tried to let him watch his show but, by then he was too hurt and refused. He proceeded to banish himself to the bedroom and refused to talk to me for the remainder of the night.
My popcorn went stale. My hot cocoa became cold. And I didn't watch my favorite show that night. Instead, I just cried by myself.
It makes me so angry to recall these moments.
I just want to go back in time, stand beside the 'old me' who's crumpled up lying on the floor crying, while he's yelling at me, and finally meet him on a level playing field. "Mono e mono".
Where we could finally have a fair 'go at it'; equally not giving a sh*t about the other one.
I'd sort him out fast.
What a look of shock there would have been on his face too, if I had stood up for myself and dished out what he deserved.
Alas, (deep breath)
I choose to believe all these things have happened for a reason. I am a wiser, better person now. (I hope!)
Ultimately, my hope is to encourage and inspire others who may be in the same situation, to examine their relationships. Listen to your gut. Or as I like to say to myself, "What would Oprah do?"
We were married just over 3 years when my husband came home one day, and completely blindsided me with what he said.
(Stay tuned for Part 2!)
Cheers,
Bootsy
